@Abfablee
Our gold fish jumped out of his tank and the dog ate it…..I feel like there is a life lesson here but don’t know what it is.
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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@Abfablee
@JohnLyonTweets
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
@TheAndrewNadeau
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
@stevevsninjas
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
@WORLDSTAR
Word!
@Tobi_Is_Fab
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
@TheHatStore
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
@KirstenCatClub
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
@TheBoydP
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.