@duplicitron
I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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@duplicitron
@Parkerlawyer
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
@td_ward
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
@AimeeHelene1
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
@cramoska
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
@dumbbeezie
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
@ingmarbirdman
*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
@robotmouthfarts
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
@KurtBusiek
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
@timdonakowski
Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?
Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.