[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
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Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂