@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

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@Abfablee

Our gold fish jumped out of his tank and the dog ate it…..I feel like there is a life lesson here but don’t know what it is.

@JohnLyonTweets

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

@stevevsninjas

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

@Tobi_Is_Fab

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

@TheHatStore

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

@KirstenCatClub

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

@TheBoydP

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.