God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

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I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.


My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.


Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today


Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*


When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.


Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year


*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*


Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]


I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.


Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?

Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.