God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
never deleting this app.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!