Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

I am having an out of money experience.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

The absolute effort that went into this omg

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING