God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I need to get some bricks…
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.