Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.