God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Ok but actually
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
