Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

As a doctor, I can confirm

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

me doing my best

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.