Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.