Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

uncle dave has been through hell

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.