Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

fly smarter, not harder

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

We will use anything but the metric system

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off