Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

If you know, you know

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING