Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.