God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
