“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My plans: 2020:
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks