“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
make up your mind
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”