If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Bike for sale
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”