@thenatewolf

God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.

God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING

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@treydayway

Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.

@daemonic3

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@hiitsmolly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

@TheMichaelRock

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

@dorsalstream

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

@seamusmckracken

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story