God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.


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Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.


I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.


I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing


“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met


The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.


“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”


When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?


I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]


One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story