Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.