Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices