Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Going to church you guys need anything

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.