god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
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I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!