My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
white boys be texting like… ????
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words