God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Passed by a old school Math example today.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good