@LuvPug

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

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@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@lynyrdsbackyard

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

@Mikecanrant

The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.

@Dutch_50

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@KimmyMonte

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@aotakeo

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

@einaregilsson

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words