God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
We don’t deserve birds.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Oh hi lol
