God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Science memes
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The Compass
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?