Gods work.
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BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.