Gods work.
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
(Electricians.)
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
That 👊
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone