Gods work.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Rare photo of two submarines racing
![]()
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
![]()
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
![]()
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
omg leave her alone
![]()
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish