Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
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Jupiter
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.