Gods work.
You Might Also Like
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
fired
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family