Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
You Might Also Like
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen