Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
You Might Also Like
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?