Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.