godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
You Might Also Like
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
☠️ ☠️
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”