godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
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[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
cyclists
