Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.