Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

My five year plan is a meteorite

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks