godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?