godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
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How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.