Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’
You Might Also Like
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Lmao
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
i did the math
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.