Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.