Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet