Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.