Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Its true…
