Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
blocked.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here