Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
put ‘er there pardner!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.