Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

#Caturday

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

How dude HOW?!

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Fries, not lies.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.