Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Jogging

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.