Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday