goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
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Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Woke up against my better judgment again
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.