*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
You Might Also Like
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars