Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

This is the one

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Grandpa

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.