Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about