Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

How to walk around a museum

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

my proudest tweet

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.