Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”