Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

My favorite female superhero

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine