[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
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Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
c’mon!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
RT if you could go either way.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!