Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?