I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
You Might Also Like
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Pat is about to own someone
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Holy moly
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.