@EpicurusRising
@UncleDuke1969
found my next D&D character name
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@UncleDuke1969
@fuzzlime
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
@Rollmaninoz
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
@paraicodonnell
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
@ThisLocalHater
I bet this guy blaring Limp Bizkit can recommend a good defense attorney
@jonnysun
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
@CantWaitToNap
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
@BrotiGupta
my mom asked me if I ever wanted to go to Machu Picchu and i was like “yeah i’d love to” and then she was like “then go! literally who’s stopping you” and then she left
@daemonic3
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
@RidiculousDak
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything