@EpicurusRising

*goes down on escalator

Escalator: I have a boyfriend

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@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@Rollmaninoz

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

@paraicodonnell

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

@ThisLocalHater

I bet this guy blaring Limp Bizkit can recommend a good defense attorney

@jonnysun

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

@CantWaitToNap

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

@BrotiGupta

my mom asked me if I ever wanted to go to Machu Picchu and i was like “yeah i’d love to” and then she was like “then go! literally who’s stopping you” and then she left

@daemonic3

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

@RidiculousDak

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything