*goes down on escalator

Escalator: I have a boyfriend

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I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food


Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.


I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.


I bet this guy blaring Limp Bizkit can recommend a good defense attorney


WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one


It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.


my mom asked me if I ever wanted to go to Machu Picchu and i was like “yeah i’d love to” and then she was like “then go! literally who’s stopping you” and then she left


What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?


When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything