*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
🙂🙃🥹
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria