*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer