@HavocMantis

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

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@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

@MrsJekyllsHyde

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@tyrannees

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

@dixonshuman

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

@SaraESpivey

I don’t call it “laziness.” I call it “selective participation.”

@JoyceCarolTotes

Border patrol: Why do you have 100s of DVDs of Top Gun stuffed into your seat cushions
Me: *sweating*
BP: They aren’t even illegal

@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@AntozWolf

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

@jazmasta

[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”