Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Best table by far

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.