Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

I don’t get marriage

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?