Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

Banana is the quietest snack

Worst Native American name ever.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!