Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

Love it! 👍😂

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀