*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
multitasking lunch
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
they should create new variants of dopamine
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
This is enough internet for the day.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.