*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.