*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
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I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*