*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.